CLEMENTINE, KY

CLEMENTINE CHRONICLES

A Fictional Saga Of Clementine, Kentucky And Its Famous Family Of Charismatics, The Bright Beginnings And The Tragic End Are All Recorded Here.  This Could Be A Movie Script Or A Full-Length Novel Or An Interesting Blog On Blogger, Eh?  An Opera Would Also Be Appropriate, As Would An Allegory, Or A Complete Book, In A Bible Of The Future.

By Izzy Ess De La Grande Finesse

In summertime, in Clementine, Kentucky, there are many women who get married because they’re pregnant, eh?  A lot of pregnancies are started in the Christmas holidays because of friendliness and drunkenness.  Some are never sure who really is the father, but it makes no difference.  A pregnant teenager can pick just any teenage boy to force a marriage because the families will force the issue.  It also obviates the need to pose the question, if the union was consanguineous, which it often is.

I lived in Switzerland for two years in the late 1960s.  The rumours that the city folks spread about the mountain folks had to do with precious farms on the Alpine mountainsides.  If a farmer had no children, the farm would be abandoned; from a practical point of view, no children meant no one to work the land and make it profitable.  If the farmer had only one daughter, apparently, the parents sent her out into the countryside to become pregnant which would bring a young male to the farm to make it work.  The plan was simple; lay with many young men until pregnancy occurred and then pick a likely father and demand he come back to the farm to become part of the family.  If pregnancy did not occur, it meant the end of the farm, or basically, it meant the end of the family.

I suppose it is the same idea as what happens in big cities.  I lived in Chicago for almost thirty years.  A teenage girl could get out of the ghetto simply by getting pregnant and naming the likely father.  DNA studies became part of the culture.  Once pregnant, the state, or county, was obligated to support the teenager plus her baby and sue the likely sire for child support.  If she didn’t name someone, support was not forthcoming, eh?  If the proven sire was impeccuniary, he was forced to work to make the money to repay the state for funds they had spent on the pregnant teenager.  The most frequent scenario, in Cook County, was that the young man was jailed and obligated to look for work during the day and spend his nights in the jail, until he was gainfully employed.  The single mother received her funds from the county, while the county forced young men to repay the county or face dire consequences, including, jail, where he was forced to look for work and forced to work.  If the situation was arrearage in an older man on Social Security, Cook County could sue for the major portion of the Social Security Benefits to satisfy its obligations, greatly inflated with interest and penalties, even if the single mother was married or the even if the child was married and had children of his, or her, own.  In their own advertisements and policies, the county or state calls non-paying fathers, “dead-beat fathers,” and has the full power of a government agency to get its money back, legally.

Back in Clementine, Susan Kirby named Joseph Birmingham.  The Kirbys and the Birminghams were not good friends.  They were in fact, “Feudin’ Families.”  So often in the past, they would take pot-shots at each other sometimes resulting in death or serious injury.  The marriage of a Kirby with a Birmingham led to some reduction in hostilities and a kind of unofficial union of their territories and their interests in the making of the precious moonshine.  For the future there were social interactions and more intermarriages, even if there were no pregnancies to force the issue.  Besides, the Kirby women and the Birmingham women were very attractive, buxom and sexy, and they dressed to their advantage to show off their pulchritude.  The men of both families were strong and tall and muscular and could drink anyone “under the table.”  The men were also good with their rifles, as hunters and snipers.  Plus, they were excellent combatants.  Saturday night brawls were commonplace and good fighting techniques were prized and applauded by respective families.  Each family had its “Goliath,” the man presented to fight the other family’s champion, usually as a public spectacle with prizes for the winner and a heap of side bets for everyone.

Joseph Birmingham was such a champion and his new wife was, by reputation, “quite a women, eh?”  their potential for leadership of their respective families translated into a kind of “King and Queen” aura for the couple who had picked each other to unite the families.  Their combined charisma and the financial success of the families were closely tied.  Clementine, Kentucky, was under their control and Joseph was the mayor and his wife Susan became its treasurer.  A “Dynasty of Clementine” was thus begun with their offspring being the “princes and the princesses,” the inheritors of the treasures won by their parents by a kind of taxation to which everyone was obligated to support.

The acquisition of surrounding farms and ranches was soon started by King Joseph and his Queen, the lovely, ever pregnant, Susan.  The growing base for taxes meant more gold and silver for their coffers and more power for their children who would inherit them.  Within five years, the charismatic leaders of our Clementine controlled the County of Old Cumberland which now was named the County of New Clementine.  After ten years and ten children, Joseph and his Susan had sufficient votes to put up Joseph’s bid for governor, which was successful.  The campaign was quite outstanding with the posters of the family posted all around their Clementine and the State of Old Kentucky, eh?

The celebration in the town of Clementine was wonderful.  Joseph, Susan and his band of offspring, eleven now, were all dressed up and greeted cheering crowds of their supporters.  Twenty well-dressed strangers came around and at a signal, drew their automatic rifles and killed them all.  Joseph tried to jump in front of his small children, as did Susan, but the assassins were determined and well-armed.  Too late, a hundred Clementine supporters risked their lives to jump upon the men from the family of Mastersons who had watched their territories shrink for ten whole years.  Fifty people from the Mastersons and Clementines died that afternoon, and many others had been injured, maimed and quite disabled.

Memorials and funerals went on for weeks.  Statues and some memorials were quickly built and inaugurated.  The entire group of sitting governors attended much and lauded Joseph and his leadership and stated that the country was all mourning for a man and his great family that had been rumoured to be a Presidential candidate.

Lacking charismatic leadership, the Clementine great Dynasty started shrinking and the land was quickly gobbled up by some aggressive neighbours.  The town and county of New Clementine reverted back to its Old Cumberland.  In time, the statues and memorials all crumbled and just disappeared.  When the moonshine stills were all destroyed, it marked the end of an important era in the area.

A legendary ditty came about.  Its author is anonymous:

Oh Clementine, where are you now?

Where is the moonshine and the plow?

The king and queen are dead and gone;

It’s up to us to carry on!

King Joseph and his Susan Queen

Were charismatic, never mean;

They had eleven children, eh?

He would be president, today!

The Mastersons destroyed ‘em and

They were a blighted, dirty band.

A shining light has been put out;

We’ll wonder what this life’s about?

Remember Joseph, Susan, eh?

Their spirits live here to this day!

Amen and Hallelujah, eh?

In Old Kentucky, Dah-Dee-Day.

And expert genealogist got interested in this family and discovered that Joseph and his Susan were step-siblings.  Their father was from Clementine and their mothers were from Lexington and Louisville, respectively.  Their ancestors included legitimate and quite illegitimate members of the British Royal Family where consanguinity abounded, in every huge generation.  The genealogist became aware that Joseph was not inhibited about screwing women that approached him with some sex in mind and he did sire some dozen children who were doing well and were leaders in their small communities and gangs.  He predicted that at least a few of them would come forward and be famous leaders in the politick, the church and/or the business world.

THE END

© izzy sommers, md

Welland, Canada

December 4, 2013