pierre ala mode

PIERRE A LA MODE

Presented Unedited, As Is, As It Were

By Izzy Ess Of Inverness

“Jack Earl Menard was guarding his own money because his friends at his own poker table were getting low and he was scared that one of them would steal some to stay in the game.  He had been lucky and had won a few big jackpots with some lucky draws to inside straights and some flushes of hearts.  His friends were prone to cheat, at times, and he was wary of O’Brian’s tendency to deal some cards right off the bottom of the deck.  He caught him once and did accuse him of misdealing, whereupon O’Brian made a countercharge at Menard that he was using decks of cards that could be read with his dark glasses, surreptitiously.  In the end, the cards were thrown down to the floor and, during the excitement, Menard was sure O’Brian stole some chips from the big pot.”

“Tonight was Christmas Eve and a jolly Santa Claus appeared having come down through the chimney.  He demanded he be given chips for an hundred bucks and then he won a big pot right away and left by claiming he had more work to do delivering the Christmas gifts.  Saint Nick was covered with the soot of hundreds of flues.  Nothing could be done as they heard the sound of Jingle Bells as Santa flew away in his big sleigh with bags of gifts and Menard’s hundred bucks.  Menard’s booze was running low.  He worried that if he left the table to retrieve more bottles that more chips would disappear.  So, he kept his seat and played his cards so well he won another pot.  O’Brian threw his cards again and he kept watch on him as he dove beneath the table to retrieve them.  Sure enough, there suddenly appeared the Ghost of Christmas passed.  The ghost demanded his own chips to play and then he vaporized with all his chips.  O’Brian threw his cards again and then Menard passed out.  When he awoke, all the chips were gone and all the other players had gone home to their own families.  After all, it was the Eve of Christmas.”

“Menard gave up and went upstairs and found his wife embracing Santa with her bottoms off.  He watched and saw them get undressed completely and complete the sex act right in front of him.  He wished them Merry Christmas and went upstairs to bed where Jezebel lay naked in his bed.  He shrugged his shoulders and got undressed and enjoyed some sex with Jezebel, his next door neighbour’s nubile daughter.  The Ghost of Christmases to Come appeared and snatched his Jezebel away and whisked her off to the North Polar for polar bears who had come for breakfast and had stayed for New Year’s Eve.  The Polar Bears consumed the entire larder full of food and then consumed the Ghost and Jezebel for breakfast.”

Pierre Le Monde was drunk again and he had typed the words without concern for logic about Christmas Eve in Dunnville.  Our Pierre was drinking heavily these days because he was feeling lonely.  His wife, Geneviève, had left him several weeks ago and had run off with his neighbour’s son, the handsome Jonathan Ben Johnson.  His neighbour’s daughter, Salome, had tempted him one night, for kinky sex; she’d left him in disgust because he had not performed.  In fact, his Geneviève, had made the same complaint.  Of course, his drunkenness was responsible.  Pierre tried, again:

“ANON”

“Anon, the agile arch anonymous

Aardvark announced his bold advancement as

The chairman of the board at Aardvark U.,

In Timbuktu and Xanadu.  He said,

“It’s true that blue and yellow create green

Which was peachy keen as kidney beans, see?”

At Sea of Galilee, a Jubilee

Of Freemasons was ongoing Tuesday,

Wednesday and on the Saturday before

The fourth July in 1888

When Kate capitulated and did lay

Awake for fourteen days in May and did

Die a painful death by strangulation

As leader of the Nation of the Hun.”

“THE END”

Pierre began to cry.  He missed his wife, Geneviève.  He missed her lovely private parts and her great arguments about what life was all about.  His writing was deteriorating and he made no sense, at all.  He took his loaded Luger from his desk and fired all the bullets at a picture of the Queen of England which had hung in his own office in his home for thirty years.  Satisfied the Queen was dead, he cried with tears of crocodile proportions and soaked his old pastrami sandwich.  He ate it anyway and had an episode of ptomaine poisoning which made him feel like dying, then and there.  Luckily, his toilet was conveniently built with a sink so that he could evacuate and vomit all at once, without it getting on the floor.

Geneviève did suddenly appear and nursed Pierre to health with homemade chicken soup and mother’s milk, since her new son, Brendon, had been born just months ago.  Pierre did love his new son, dearly, and he swore off alcohol and stale cigars for Geneviève.  His writing was improved, as he moveD into Haikus and the Limericks:

“A star in Heaven

Points the way to Bethlehem

Steel Company, eh?”

“There was an old lady who had seventeen grand

Children and an hundred chickens in her home and

She ate them all

In Summer-Fall

Enjoying her tasty children most in Land’s End!”

This is really

THE END

© izzy sommers, md

Wetland, Kanata

December 9, 2013