psychotherapy, eh?

ALTERNATIVE

PSYCHOTHERAPY

This Is A Fictional Speculation About How To Treat Psychiatric Patients And Related Contrived Thoughts About The History Of Psychotherapy.  This Should Only Be Taken Seriously By Seriously Disturbed Folks.

By Izzy Ess Of Cluelessness

A kleptomaniac, Ms. Sally Effingham, hooked up with an insomniac, Sir Samuel von Dittersdorf, and several other maniacs, to form a vigilante group of in-mates of Mount Sinai Hospital, whose purpose was some night-time raids for women’s panties and men’s bright Argyle socks.  At first the nursing and the clerical good staff did laugh at Effingham’s Marauding Effing Vigilantes, the EMEVs, but it soon became apparent that the group was quite serious about their goals.  Some staff had already lost their panties and their argyle socks and many patients were complaining.  EMEVs were rounded up and isolated behind locked doors but administrators were quite adamant that they be treated like a “normal” group of patients who just had bizarre and schizophrenic thinking that was common in that section of the Hospital.

The psychiatric doctors offered nothing in the way of chemical additions to their therapy to correct the suppose-ed chemical imbalances and were the victims of the panty and the argyle sock sequestering, repeatedly.  Getting doctors clothing was a special victory for EMEVs.  The doctors did write papers in their psychiatric journals and gave the new names, Panty Kleptomania and Argyle Kleptomania to the world’s literature.  The staff and patients were entertained by the whole situation and the women saw to it that they wore worthwhile and particularly sexy panties while the men wore very fashionable Argyle socks.  The entertainment was so therapeutic it was seen as a great boon to the mental health of everybody.

Administrators saw the benefits of having EMEVs in the hospital.  It translated into shorter stays and happier old patients and fewer re-admissions to the hospitals.  Patients started talking about EMEVs and other psychiatric wards at other hospitals encouraged Kleptomaniacs and their Insomniacs to form an EMEV with some other maniacs.  The articles in psychiatric journals were enthusiastic about the benefits of EMEVs.  Research indicated that this kind of therapy was quite unprecedented.  Since the time of old Hippocrates, who did no harm, the principals of safe and sound good therapies was soundly established, eh?

One doctor did remember that there was another good example of a patient who had started “Motor Boating.”  He suffered from Panic Disorder and had had multiple great phobias.  His anxiety level was always high and his sinusitis was a bother.  While in the shower, one day, he had started fantasizing about driving a wild motorboat through some crowds of swimmers and just mowing them down viciously.  He got the shower in his face and sputtered with his lips together making loud sounds like a motorboat.  Not only did his sinuses begin to really drain, but also he felt so much better mowing his imaginary swimmers down.  He developed it and felt much less anxious without medications which often gave him suicidal ideation.  “Sure!’ he said, “I may be homicidal in my ideation but my angst has gone and my sinuses are draining freely.”  He taught it to some other anxious patients and they all agreed that Motor Boating was much better than the medications and the usual talk therapy.

Re-introducing Motor Boating was pushed by the administrators who had noted great reductions in the level of anxiety throughout the ward, no matter what the patients’ therapies consisted of.  Again, there was reduction in the length of stay and less frequent re-admissions.  Motor Boating got another sprinkle in the psychiatric literature and the doctors were so pleased.

It goes to show that psychiatry is not exact but actually leaves a lot of room for creativity.  Most psychiatric medications are far more dangerous than these approaches and harks back to Hippocrates who was accustomed to taking such large groups of maniacs to a cliff and telling them to jump.  Those that jumped were then at peace and those that didn’t felt more optimistic that they had lived.  Apparently some British therapists would abandon patients in a maze of hedges and just wait.  Those that made it through to freedom felt much better and those that didn’t were never seen again and presumably were cured.

THE END

© izzy sommers, md

Welland, Canada

December 10, 2013