chester chesterfield

The Four Star General Chronicles

An Allegoric Tale of Just Rewards --

And Unjust Retribution

With NOT a Whit or Bit of Tail

By Izzy Ess of Monkey Business

Uncertain of his grounds, Lieutenant Jimmy “Chester” Chesterfield backed down from arguing with Sergeant Johnny Simpson IIII, regarding his huge tendency to belch and fart at dinnertime, no matter what the menu was.  The sergeant would have been OK, if all he did was belch and fart along with everyone, whenever pork and beans was served, or Reuben sandwiches, or brats and sauerkraut.  With everybody doing it, our Sergeant Simpson would hardly have been noticed.  A lot of people were offended by John Simpson’s very loud and smelly farts.  The belching sounded like a lion’s roar at times.  Lieutenant James found John resistant to suggestions that he desist from breaking wind and belching.  Johnny argued that his actions were but normal body functions, that loudness of the farts did not exactly correlate with smelliness, and that his belching did relieve the chest pain he would get at dinnertime.  He quoted his father who said a little axiom: “It’s better to belch and bear the shame, than not to belch and bear the pain.”  The lieutenant just stopped arguing and smiled. 

The sergeant’s noises seemed to increase in their volume and their frequency.  The smelly farts went far and wide and could be smelt as far as barracks on the northern side of town.  Lieutenant Chesterfield consulted with his own superiors and own inferiors about his problem with the sergeant’s body noises and aromas.  A Private First Class, Thomas Mandolin, had a brave idea.  He felt that a reaction could convince the sergeant that he must resolve his issues with his associates.  The PFC suggested ether capsules which would cause a rectal wind propulsion and an eructation of a gas that would be dangerous to him if anyone lit up a cigarette.  Lieutenant Chester liked the plan and asked an anaesthesiologist for help.  The gas delivering cool medic was agreeable to giving up a capsule of an ancient gas that was an obsolescence.  He cautioned that the reason ether wasn’t used these days had all to do with dangers of explosions in the operating rooms.  Lieutenant Chester Chesterfield was given literature to peruse.  He satisfied himself that this was such a great plan to get rid of Johnny Simpson’s emanations and his body noises.

September 25, 2020, Sergeant Johnny Simpson, IIII, accepted with a smile the tiny capsule of the ether that Lieutenant Jimmy Chester Chesterfield had offered him.  John was instructed that if he ingested this "cool” capsule, he must be aware that lighting up a cigarette might cause a small explosion.  John was sure that he was being kidded and he purposefully belched and farted ether gas immediately, and then he went for his old stogy and he struck a match to get it lit.  A mushroom cloud was visible for miles as the entire army base was vapourized, including all the personnel, supplies and ammunition.  Neighbour farmer heard the loud explosion and then saw the slowly rising mushroom cloud and felt a blast of heat.  There was no harm to livestock or the crops that grew in close proximity to Four Star General Maloney Baloney’s Army Base in Kansas City, Oklahoma.  Fire trucks and reporters started coming to find out what happened and to quell the fires on the levelled base.  All bodies were recovered and identified.  The tiny bits of body parts of Sergeant John were gathered and identified with special DNA testing.  There was no tell-tale smell of ether to alert investigators, inasmuch as ether burns completely when it does explode.  That accelerants were likely to be present, the case remained a mystery for twenty years.  Lieutenant Jimmy Chester Chesterfield’s burnt diary was thoroughly investigated and some clever puzzle solvers put together all the pages and got wind of Chester’s plot to get his Sergeant to desist from breaking wind and belching.  It was too bizarre to be believed and nothing was submitted by the puzzle solvers.  One of them, a sexy friend of mine, was pillow talking and revealed the crazy story to me.  I’ve waited ‘til I moved to Switzerland with my friend, Sexy Suzy, ere I wrote this story and submitted it to my old blog.  I’ve disguised the truth a bit by changing names and places, cleverly.  Enjoy!  Or, do delete this before you go to bed so that you will remain true blue.

I have done research on the pioneering anaesthetic, ETHER, first used for anaesthesia by dentists advertising painless dentistry.  IT IS DANGEROUS!  In addition to its explosive nature, it almost always causes nausea and vomiting, which can be deadly in Recovery Rooms of the Operating Rooms or in your hospital bed in the day or two following major or minor surgery.

THE END

© izzy sommers, md

Welland, Canada

August 25, 2013