THE
PARKER HOUSE
A One Act Play
In Iambic Pentametre
Au Guillaume Shakespearium
By izzy Ess of Craziness
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
HUNTER,
Jonathan
DOLL,
Barbie
MAESTROIANNI,
Joe
TEMPTRESS,
Miriam
MATRON,
Roberta
WESLEY,
Leslie
SMITH,
John
LITTLE,
Jennifer
SINATRA,
Fred
PLEASANCE,
Ron
STAGING:
A very large house has been
refurbished to accommodate the daily visits of a small population of folks of
Smithville, Tennessee, who have mental illnesses. Local, national and international charities
support a network of such houses throughout the USA and Canada. It is 8:00 am and it’s time for the weekday,
daily, conference under the supervision of Jennifer Little, the chief
counsellor for the downstairs kitchen crew, this Monday morning. Breakfast is at 9:00. Counsellors and mental illness folks are
seated around the tables which are put together to make a conference table in
the erstwhile and present dining area.
Jennifer is taking attendance and recording the presence of the others
on a pre-typed roster. Each person
raises his hand and says, “Yo!” when his or her name is called from the
roster. The next item on the set agenda
is for everyone in turn to tell the group what he or she did on the weekend and
how he or she feels.
Hunter:
I
did some hunting with my dad. He is
A
great guy and he takes me fishing and
He’s taught me how to
catch a rabbit and
To grab it by the ears and
kill it with
My knife and skin it
quickly to prepare
It for the spit to roast
it in the woods
And eat it while it’s hot
and juicy, eh?
Hunter has revealed that he had in his
pocket a huge hunting knife with straight and serrated edges. He’s pulled out the blade to make it
full-size and has gestured as he talked about the rabbit all the motions of his
story while smiling with a devilish grin.
Hunter is deeply tanned and has dark brown nicotine stains on his
fingers due to a heavy smoking habit of other people’s cigarettes.
Jennifer:
Oh, Hunter, put that knife
away. It’s dangerous,
We all can see. Now was there anything
That you were up to all
this weekend?
Was your father kind to
you and does
He love you? Tell the group about your folks.
Hunter’s smile and knife are put away
as he sadly tells his story:
My mom and dad were
arguing about
The finances that were so
tight. My mom
Was sobre and my dad was
drinking whiskey,
Which a farmer makes out
on his farm.
It’s very strong and when
my daddy drinks
He starts to knock my mom
and me around.
I’ve tried to separate
them but I end
Up getting battered by my
dad. I love
Him but he gets so drunk,
he can’t see that
I love him and would like
to be with him,
Like him, forever. He’s just taught me all
I know about my knife and
rifle and
The great techniques of
killing and preparing
Food, out in the
woods. We saw a doe
One time and shot her dead
with two good shots
By each of us. We skinned her quickly and
We roasted her right there
and then and ate
The meat. It was delicious and I really
Loved my dad when we spent
such good times,
Out in the woods. My mom says all the killing
Is not healthy for me, but
it makes
Me closer to my dad. When he is sobre,
He is my own bosom buddy
as
We share his knowledge of
the animals
And how to kill them, skin
them and enjoy
Them, thoroughly. We often share some whiskey,
In the woods, when mom is
not around.
He gets so ugly drunk that
he beats me
A lot. I do forgive him ‘cause his life
Is hard and his strong
drinking makes him so
Forget his troubles with
police and finances.
He sends some money here
for me to buy
My food and coffee. He does not think I
Should smoke and does not
give me money for
Some cigarettes. My mom agrees with him.
During this speech, Hunter has again
produced his long sharp blade and plays with it so casually. His devilish smile has also re-appeared. Jennifer indicates by a motion of her hand
that he should put his knife back in his pocket. The smile and blade again, disappear, as
Jennifer goes on to ask the others for their weekend activities:
Would anyone besides our
Hunter like
To tell us all about his
weekend stuff?
Barbie Doll, dressed in a bright red
sweater which is tight and shows her figure to advantage, as does her very
short and tight jean’s shorts, likes to show her shapely legs and wears
high-heeled leather boots. She bares her
shoulders with an adjustment to her neckline and reveals several tattoos, one a
monarch butterfly and the other, which is done upon her right breast of a
she-devil, naked with red skin and a long black pointed tail. Her hair is long and straight and bleached
blond which she wears in a youthful pony tail.
She wears very dark designer sunglasses.
She has a high though sexy voice and offers:
I spent the weekend at my
girlfriend’s parents
House. Her folks were out of town. We drank
Some beer and listened to
her Elvis discs.
The six of us young girls
were in a mood
To have an overnight
pajama party
And we tossed some pillows
at each other.
Boy! We had some fun before we fell
Asleep in a big pile, atop
of me,
While all quite naked and
exhausted from
The dances that we did. At dawn, we made
Some breakfast and we ate
a ton of pancakes,
Syrup and some coffee. Then we did
Our make-up with my
girlfriend’s mother’s stuff
And made ourselves quite
whorey and so evil
Looking. See?
The pictures on my iPhone
Show me and my friends
still naked but
Made up to look like
prostitutes. Here, look!
All the men get up very quickly to
look over Barbie’s shapely, tattooed shoulders to gaze at pictures on her
iPhone. They point and giggle and enjoy
the pictures, men and women both. They
murmur “Wow!” and “Ooh Hoo!” as the pictures are closely studied and
appreciated. At one point Barbie stands
to imitate her pose and shows the group her lovely legs and shapely body,
proudly and quite unabashedly. All of
them are smiling broadly. Some of them
make obscene gestures with their limbs and pelvic areas and some just imitate
Barbie. Finally, Jennifer makes a
gesture to desist and indicates that Barbie has already shown her pictures
quite enough. Joe Mastroianni starts to
tell his weekend story:
I went to Memphis to a
concert by
That trumpeter who plays
the Blues and Shoes.
I went with Lulu, my own
fiancée,
Who really digs the Blues
and Shoes. She got
Real stoned on Tennessee
old fashioned marijuana
And she couldn’t keep her
hands
Away from me. We spent the night with a
Big crowd that left the
concert and we walked
The streets of Memphis
with a bunch of people
‘Til we found a city park
where we
Could sleep on benches in
the moonlight. One
Guy had a boom box and he
played the Blues
And Shoes new album
through the night. We hitched
A ride with a truck driver
who accepted
A blow job for all the gas,
from my
Cute
Lulu. At
our church we did confessions
With
the priest who gave us absolutions.
Roberta Matron is the next to
talk. She’s dressed in very old clothes
that make her look quite dowdy. The
clothes hide a once magnificent body with large breasts and broad hips. She gives the following account of her
weekend with her very old parents with whom she lives still, unmarried, and
never married at about 50 years of age.
She wears no make-up and her hair is short, in a bob:
I spent the weekend in my
parent’s house,
In my old room, above the
sunroom on
The second floor. I cooked the meals for them
And washed the dishes,
afterwards. We watched
A lot of television. Mom likes CSI
And CSI, Miami and
The movies on the Public
Station, which
Are sometimes black and
white and star her favourites
With Barbara Stanwick and
Ms. Myrna
Loy, Sir Humphrey Bogart
and Herr Sidney
Greenstreet. They just fall asleep right on
The couch. I let them snore and stay asleep
And I go to my room and
read a book.
Oh, lately, I’ve been
reading Pride and Prejudice
About a bunch of single
women hoping
Some good man will marry
them and want
To have a family. I realized
That I was once like them
and now it’s much
Too late for me. I’ve never ever had
A boyfriend and I am still
a virgin, eh?
No one is waiting in the
wings to marry
Me, with both my parents
hanging on!
There’s no one else to
care for them. They’re old
And feeble and I need to
cook and clean
For them until they
die. The only hope
I have is finding a good
man who also
Has his parents to take
care of and
Would like to join with me
and keep our parents
Happy, as we all grow old
together,
Happily. No longer can I make
A baby but our folks would
be our babies
‘Til they die. It’s very sad, you see?
Robert looks to Heaven and begins to
cry. She puts her head down on her arms
and cries into her sleeves. Some of the
others pat her back to comfort her. They
never find the words to help her become more optimistic because when they’ve
tried she always answers in a way to show that she is doomed forever to be
lonely.
Jennifer is one that comforts her by
rubbing her back. Jennifer speaks next
and tells her own peculiar story of her weekend:
Hey guys, I had a really
wonderful
Good time with a nice man
whom I met in
My Catholic Church, last
week. He’s Catholic, just
Like me, and we did hit it
off immediately.
Saturday, he drove me into
Nashville and he treated
me to dinner
And a movie and we sat and
watched
The latest horror movie
with a Scream,
A Primal Scream, which
scared me and it made
Me tremble. Jimmy, that’s his name, he noticed
And he reached for
me. He gripped my knee
So gently that it thrilled
me to be with
Him, eh? As the dark movie showed more horrors, he
Then gripped my thigh and
moved his fingers up
My thigh to touch my
private parts, so tenderly.
He felt that I was
thrilled by his nice touching
And he left his hand just
rest between
My thighs. I gripped his hand and pushed it into
Me. Did that feel good, or what? When we
Walked out together, he
did hold my hand
And led me to a nice hotel
downtown
Where we signed up as
married to each other
With the married name of
Smith. We spent
The night just hugging and
just kissing. In
The morning, he took me to
Church and then
We parted company. I dreamt about
The possibilities, last
night and I’m
Still dreaming about
Jimmy, my new friend.
I’m hoping he’s not
married and quite free.
The group started spontaneously
applauding their counsellor. Roberta
blushed and stood to take a bow, which garnered more enthusiastic
clapping. She sat and looked around to
see if anyone was ready to proceed. No
one volunteers. So, she looks directly
at Sinatra, Fred, and indicates that he must say a thing or two. With a tremble in his voice, Fred murmurs:
Oh, nothing much was
happening this weekend,
Eh? Samantha, my old girlfriend, asked
Me to come over and enjoy
some television,
And I did. She was dressed in
Her black old lacy
negligee and had
Made popcorn for us both. She had supplies
Of Budweiser, which we
drank slowly. She
Lay down her head on my
left shoulder and
She started playing with
my buckle. When
She got it loose, she
pulled it out and strapped
Me with it playfully on
both my thighs.
I turned the tables on her
and I grabbed
The belt and started
strapping her about
Her hips and thighs. She cried out mockingly,
As if I’d really hurt
her. Then she lay
Across my thighs and let
me spank her playfully.
She loved it and reminded
me
That we were once an item
and we loved
To play this game of S
& M. She pulled
Her negligee right down
and asked me to
Just nibble on her breast
the way I used
To do it, years ago. I tried to not
Get serious, but she
persisted, so
I let my zipper get
unzipped while she
Fished out my wee-wee and
proceeded to
Undress me. She pulled off my pants and underwear,
And then she pulled her
nighty off completely.
Then, we played our old
games of mock punishment
For sins committed in the
past,
Until we started for her
bedroom. Then,
She whirled and asked if I
would marry her
And I said, “No!” She smiled and said, “Why then,
I will not marry you!” And then she sent
Me home. It was just like it had not ended,
Years ago. She’d sent me home an hundred
Times before we
consummated our
Relationship, and even
then, we often
Argued and I’d leave
without some satisfaction.
I think she’ll call again,
but I’m not sure…
Fred’s story ended quietly while all the others did
reflect on his relationship with Sam.
Roberta breaks the silence by asking if there were other weekend stories
that needed to be told. Leslie Wesley
volunteers the following:
My name is Leslie Wesley
and I’m new.
I’m 24 and have a secret
love
Affair that’s been ongoing
for a while
With Father Flanagan, the
priest at Sacred
Heart. I fell in love with him when I
Was sixteen. He’d invited me to come
Inside his private
chambers to confess
My sins. He asked me to kneel down and face
Him while he put his hand
upon my head.
I put my arms around his
thighs and put
My face into his body,
right below
His cross, the one that
hung from his rope belt.
He pressed my head between
his thighs and I
Could feel him get
excited. I did press
My lips against his groin
and he responded
Even more. I felt his member getting
Large and pointing up to
Heaven. He
Did say it was a sign of
Holiness
And asked me to adjust his
pointing member.
Lifting up his robe, the
Holy Father
Showed a Heavenly reminder
that
A priest is just a man
with Holy Spirit
Guiding him. I kissed and licked his hardening
Big thingy and he pulled
my head
To him in such a way for
me to take it down
My throat. I almost choked the first time that
I did it and was startled
to feel my throat fill up with warm and sticky juices from on High. It was wonderful. So every Sunday that I came to church with my
whole family, my Holy Father Flanagan took me aside to give me special
privileges with his Holy Sepulchre. He
murmured that it was the Key to Happiness and that I did possess the Holy
Lock. He showed me how to fit his Key
inside my Lock by standing up and leaning over to place both my palms upon the
Holy Ground of his quite Holy private chambers.
He would lift my dress up to my waist and place his Holy Key against my
Holy Lock and let the Holiness begin. It
all felt really wonderful and when my Holy juices started flowing his would
flow as well. Afterward he said some
Healing Power could be had by licking up the juices and enjoying them for
warmth and taste. My parents and my
siblings waited patiently for us to finish all our Holy Actions. They were pleased that I was getting special
treatment by his Holiness, Our Father Flanagan.
When I conceived and started swelling with a pregnancy, my Holy Father
picked a nice young man for me and married us.
My family was really pleased and didn’t do the mathematics. They thought my son was merely premature, but
I knew really that the baby had resulted when my Holy Father Flannagan had
pushed the Holy Spirit into me so deeply, I could feel him squirt the Holy
Spirit into my own uterus. After my nice
marriage to a nice young man that Father Flanagan had given private lessons to,
I was quite honoured to be filled with Love on weekdays by my husband and to
feel the Love of Father Flanagan, on Saturday evening’s and Sunday morning’s
Catholic Services. I’ve had another set
of children, three by Father Flanagan and three by my own husband. It’s the Holiness that really turns me
on. Lately, Father Flanagan has had some
sessions with my husband present. Father
Flanagan has given Holy Spirits to the both of us and now my husband is as pleased
as I. Lately, also, Father Flanagan has
asked permission from us to allow him to instruct our children on the Powers of
the Holy Spirit. Of course we’ve gladly
given Holy Father Flanagan permission to instruct our children privately, so
long as he continues to instruct the parents, too.
The other members of the Parker House
had dropped their jaws when they were told how Father Flanagan had duped this
lovely lady and her family. But she was
so enthusiastic and so righteous that not a one could contradict her story line
to indicate that Father Flanagan was guilty of some serious abuse of Holy
Power. Some members started secretly to
plan exposure of this Catholic Priest but feared it would upset their newest
member, Leslie Wesley. As a simple
Schizophrenic, Leslie was quite happy and to shatter all her principles and
tenets would not be healthy for her. So,
nothing more was said, in public or in private.
Besides, Leslie’s Holy Spirit was so strong, she might have not accepted
any negativity toward her Holy Father, his Holy Sepulchre, and his Holy Spirit.
John Smith had not really spoken at
this meeting or at any other meeting. He
looks a little like Boris Karloff, but handsomer. This day he has been carrying a small pet
carrier. He chooses at this moment, just
as the meeting is winding down in anticipation of breakfast, to open the cage
and release what looks like the cutest, tiniest, all black kitten, ever seen by
anyone at The Parker House. The kitten
emerges from the carrier, cautiously. It
seeks out John and rubs its jaw against his hand, as if it’s marking John for
his own.
Hunter stands and grabs the
kitten. With one swift motion, he decapitates
the kitten, using his sharp and scary knife.
Blood spurts everywhere, including a large splash on John Smith’s shirt. Barbie, Jennifer and Roberta scream. John stands and swiftly grabs the knife from
Hunter, plunging it deep into Hunter’s heart.
Hunter falls across the table, dead, blood oozing from his mouth and
nose. Roberta grabs a pot of boiling
water and throws it directly at John, who screams in pain as he contorts his
face because he knows he will be no longer handsome, but forever scar-faced.
Exeunt.
SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTORS:
HUNTER, Jonathan should be a young
Humphrey Bogart
DOLL, Barbie should be a young Meg
Ryan
MAESTROIANNI, Joe should be played by
Robert De Niro
TEMPTRESS, Miriam should be a young
Marilyn Monroe
MATRON, Roberta should be Meryl Streep
WESLEY, Leslie should be a young
Leslie Uggams
SMITH, John should be a young Boris
Karloff
LITTLE, Jennifer should be a delicate
Audrey Hepburn
SINATRA, Fred should be a resurrected
Frank Sinatra
PLEASANCE,
Ron should be an ugly Peter Lorre
This libretto
should lend itself to a Short Opera with music by Giuseppe Verdi, or Wolfgang
Amadeus Mozart, in a translation into Old German, Liturgical Latin, oder, oder uber, Bern Du’tsch, or the English
spoken by the deceased Richard Burton, or the presently living, Maggie Smith.
THE
END
© izzy sommers, md
Welland, Canada
August 31, 2013
Saturday, the last day of August
And the first day of school, next
Tuesday,
After Labour Day. on Monday
August 28 was my second son’s
birthday, his 47th.
September 5, will be my first son’s 51st
BD;
September 9th will be my
only brother’s 70th BD.
September 24th will be my
only daughter’s 37th BD.
Happy birthday folks!
May all your problems be little ones.
May the roads come up to meet your feet.
May the grass be never greener than it is on this side…
AMEN
AND HALLELUJAH!
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