sam deeds

SAMANTHA DEEDS, INDEED

A Terroristic Ode,

Suitable For An Oratorio

Or Movie Short Cartoon

                                                                                         

By Izzy Ess of Scariness

Samantha Deeds was sure she wasn’t welcome at the Bistro on Seville Street, any more, because she started a big fight with her old boyfriend and a fresh young man who’d tried to pick her up.  She’d yelled, “You jerk!  You’re pinching my big breasts.  So, stop!”  Her old boyfriend, Jonathan, had punched this young guy in the nose and he was bleeding over everything.  He started swinging wildly and my Jonathan punched him in his belly and he doubled over in such pain, he screamed.  A girlfriend of this guy just punched my Jonathan and kicked him in his derriere.  Then Jonathan began to barf and filled the bar with vomitus.  The bartender and the bouncers threw Jonathan and our Samantha out into the cold and rainy atmosphere, and the other guy and his old girlfriend needed medical attention, so, an ambulance was called, but not before a dozen people started throwing punches at each other.  The cops were called and broke it up and closed down the joint, and that made the proprietor unhappy and he yelled at poor Samantha, “You’re not welcome here at any time!”  Samantha saw that he was serious, but she was never one to follow orders, anyway.

Samantha so disguised herself, she looked more like a man with breasts.  She wore a cowboy outfit with some very tight wool sweaters and a very tight pair of blue jeans, plus cowboy boots with spurs.  No one stopped her as she entered the Seville Street Bistro.  With some confidence, she bellowed in a baritone, “Hey, barkeep!  Who do I have to screw to get a drink in this miserable joint?”  The barkeeper was wary but he said, “If you were a lady, the drinks are free, but otherwise just show me the colour of your money and we’ll see what kind of drink that it will buy you.”  Ms. Samantha Deeds pulled up her sweaters and just yelled, “Are these a good enough colour to get me a Shirley Temple?”  Everyone just stared.  “That colour is just fine!” declared the barkeep.  “What’ll you have, young lady?”  In her own high voice, Samantha asked the bartender for a Guinness’ tankard.  The bartender was hesitant but he complied.  Samantha, with her breasts uplifted, quickly quaffed the whole damn tankard and she asked for a big refill.  Every woman in the Bistro bared their breasts and asked for Guinness’ tankards, eh?

A pressing crowd of men surrounded all the women with their bare uplifted breasts.  The men pressed forward and they crushed the bar and all its contents.  Bouncers came and were just trampled underfoot.  Samantha Deeds was satisfied that she had had revenge and left.  The cops were streaming in.   A huge explosion blew the place to smithereens.  Samantha laughed quite devilishly.  “That’ll show those idiots.  They can’t fool around with Sam Le Grue!”

THE END

© Izzy Sommers, MD

Wetland, Kanata

Oktoberfest, 2013