THADDEUS MALODOROUS
A
Tale of Matching Disabilities
By Izzy Ess of Odorless
Thaddeus Malodorous was known
throughout his village and was always given ample room to pass. When he was on the street, the populace moved
to the other side of it and let him have the whole west, or east, side of the
street to walk. Everyone was glad when
he moved on and no one could confront him without holding up his nose and
clamping it to avoid the smell of him.
He owned a German Metzgerei on Kingston Street and he hired a woman to
just manage it, because he knew that no one would come in his Shoppe for the
Butchery for meat unless he wasn’t there.
He stayed in the back freezer room which he could lock to cut his cuts
of meat. He was artistically good and
cut up venison and calves, young kids and horses, expertly, which customers
were glad to buy if Thaddeus stayed sequestered in the freezer room.
Thaddeus was lonely. No woman would go after him, despite the fact
that he was richer than the average man on Kensington. In fact, he was the richest man in
Johannesburg in Southern Germany. He had
no wife or children for his money and he was not interested in a hobby that
took lots of money. He was an amateur
good craftsman, building little houses and such beautiful street scenes of life
on Kensington. He fashioned his own
Metzgerei, the next door Baecharei and the next door Pferderei. Sometimes he carved some bones to make it
look like marble tables and marble places for the fires. He added all the details accurately and was
very proud of his cafés and restaurants.
The ornate Train Station down the street was his very favourite of
all. He also did the church and steeple
of the Martin Luther Place of Worship.
He used the self-same cedar wood to model it and added all the
gingerbread at the old-fashioned entry to the church. He used real stones, and carved his bones, to
make the cemetery next to Martin Luther’s church and a real fountain to adorn
the plaza out in front of the old stone Rathouse on the circle driveway at the
end of Kingston Street. He used real
wood to make the huge gazebo in the city centre and painted it with outdoor
whites and blacks. He carved some tiny
old musicians to sit therein and look like it was Sunday afternoon when they
would play those waltzes and the polkas that the people loved. He carved tiny bones to make the faces and
the hands. He made the fountain really
squirt some water to the music with a pump that was three-quarter timed.
One day a woman with a buxom figure
walked right by Herr Thaddeus Malodorous and didn’t flinch or hold her
nose. She smiled at Thad with
friendliness and asked the time of day.
Our Thad was thrilled that she did not appear to have a sense of
smell. He asked her all about it and she
said she had a very bad type of sinusitis which blocked all her olfactory nerve
endings in her nose and she couldn’t smell a thing and had a lot of trouble
with discarding food that had a certain smell.
Old Thad, for now he was some fifty years of age, was so delighted he
invited her to see his models of the Street of Kensington, and she accepted his
ambitious invitation, eh? They touched
romantically in the freezer locker and they smiled so friendly-like that
Thaddeus was prompted, there and then, to ask her for a date for Saturday’s big
party in the village square. Ms. Shirley
Sniffles was so thrilled. She hadn’t had
a date in 20 years. She said, “Why, yes,
of course, I’ll go with you to the big party and I’ll wear my Sunday best!”
The populace of Johannesburg were very
cruel and left our Thad and Shirley by themselves to dance some polkas and some
waltzes. The members of the band, they
did their best to play despite the odor emanating from both Thad and Shirley. Finally, they all got up and left saying,
“It’s not a very good attendance for the party, so we’re going home.” Thad and Shirley sadly tipped the members of
the band, just the same, and they did thank the couple but they left,
immediately. Later, Thad and Shirley did
find out that all the members of the band just moved to Stephan’s Restaurant
where all the folks had gathered and they just continued with a party
there. Thad and Shirley knew that going
to Stephan’s would be disasterous so they walked to the freezer locker where
they had a party of their own. Thaddeus
was able to receive the DRR loud station with a lot of waltzes and they danced
themselves, romantically and made love.
It was the first time in so many years that either had indulged in sex,
und es war wunderbarisch gut! Herr
Thaddeus took Shirley home and stayed the night and did the horizontal waltz so
many times with enthusiasm and great feelings of romantic love.
Our Shirley did accept her Thaddeus’
offer to be married and they were in Martin Luther’s Place of Worship on a
Wednesday when no one else was there except the minister who held his nose
completely shut, throughout. The
witnesses were Thaddeus’ employees who were smiling and quite kind to everyone,
but also held their noses shut. The
legal papers were all signed and witnessed and the happy couple spent their two
week honeymoon in Fiji, where they got a lot of privacy in their own cottage
and their own small beach. When back in
old Johannesburg, our Shirley moved her stuff to Thaddeus’ large old house and
set up housekeeping, forever. Shirley
was already pregnant and she bore her Thaddeus two twin boys and two twin girls
within a year. All of them were born
without a sense of smell. They set up
excellent home schooling and the children all became good Metzgern for the
village of Johannesburg. They vacationed
with the children frequently and had a place in Fiji, all reserved for them.
So, yes, dear reader, there are times
when smelling is an obstacle. However,
there are times when inability to smell is quite advantageous under certain
circumstances, like the ones I have attempted to describe. So, don’t give up, dear readers, when you
have a disability. There’s always
someone out there with a disability that is compatible with yours. Amen and Hallelujah!
THE END
© izzy sommers, md
Wetland, Kanata
Oktoberfest, 2013
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