Der Blauer Barron
A Tragicomic
Tale From My Memories Of Telling Jokes And Retelling Them In My Own Inimitable
Way, At Times, Successfully. I Apologize
In Advance For Telling You A Tale That You’ve Already Heard, In Other Languages
Or Dialects. If You Don’t Laugh, You
Have To Groan, At Least, Or As Best You Are Able, At This Time.
I Think This Might Make A Good Stage
Production For A Talented Producer-Director, Somewhere Out There In My
Readerships.
By
Izzy Ess of Trouble in Paradise-Ness
During World War I, a German Boat was
patrolling the North Atlantic when it’s mighty engines failed and the boat, Der
Blauer Barron started drifting with the Gulf Stream currents, back toward Great
Britain and the Emerald Isle, and coasts of Portugal and France. There was safe havens in some ports in
Ireland, but the radios were out because a radio transmission would alert the
Allies that there was a German Boat in trouble and quite vulnerable. Moreover, safe havens were mickle fewer than
the unsafe ones. Der Kapitan, Hermann
Heilbrunner, chose to drop his underwater bombs and huge torpedoes which would
be dangerous if Allied forces found Der Boot and torpedoed it or dropped their
bombs from aeroplanes. Der Kapitan
Heilbrunner also worried ‘bout the men aboard his ship who would be bored by
doing nothing and there might be nervous tension and they might mutiny. Der Kapitan asked his executives what might
they do to occupy the sailors’ minds to help prevent disgruntlement and
mutiny. A low ranked sailor did propose
the men be asked to build an “Oogelmacher.”
Der Kapitan, quite frankly, had no notion what an Oogelmacher was, but
he did not want to seem so uninformed.
So he asked the swabby, “Will there be enough men to build an Oogelmacher?” The swabby answered, “Ganz genug, Mein
Kapitan!” “And, will there be enough
material to build it?” fragt der Kapitan.
“O, ja, ja, mein Kapitan.
Es gibt genug verbaung in das Boot!“
„Wunderbar! So bitte, mache dass Oogelmacher. Sicher und schnell!“ And off the swabby went to organize the men
and gather the materials to build the Oogelmacher. Der Kapitan so
krutzed sein kopf. Er hat keine Anung
wass ein Oogelmacher sei. But, he
conceded that the men looked happier immediately and the started their big
project.
Ten days went by and on the deck a
tower, like the Eiffel Tower took some shape.
Also, there was a globe of sorts.
It was made of curved pieces of metal and looked heavy. As the tower was constructed, it had an arm
like one does see on skyscrapers to assist in placing vital elements and
structures on the higher floors, of say, an apartment building. This arm had a trough like structure and
could be swivelled in all directions. In
twenty days, there was a completely formed tower shaped exactly like the Eiffel
one. In the middle was that heavy globe
with many spaces on its surface. It
seemed big enough to hold a man inside.
The central structure of the tower was a hoist that could lift the
globe-like structure up toward the swiveling trough-like rotating extension.
On the 22nd day, the swabby
with the original idea met Der Kapitan in his director’s chair and said, “Es
ist bereit, mein Kapitan. Morgan kunnen wir das Oogle machen, mit dass virklichen
Oogelmacher!k Es ist sicher and ganz
bereit!“ Der Kapitan was very happy and he
called for a full dress attendance on the deck the following morning at seven
bells. All the sailors and the Captain
and his executive officers were dressed up formally and standing at attention
at seven bells. The boson blew the
boson’s whistle and then a set of seven drummers made a drum roll for the event
that rose in a crescendo as the globe-like structure was lifted up toward the
trough-like swivel arm. As the globe was
settled in the trough, Der Kapitan saluted, looking upward to the sky and at
the ball is it slowly started rolling on the trough. The other sailors also did salute and watched
the ball as it gathered speed and got to the end of the swivel arm.
All eyes are ears were on the globe as
it descended in an arch to hit the water.
A signal from the band leader stopped the drummers drumming. The globe hit the water with a great big
splash and then began to sink. As the
water bubbled through the spaces in the globe, a distinct sound was loud enough
to be heard by all who stood upon the deck, still saluting. The sound was, “Oogel, oogel, oogel,” even
after the globe-like structure sand beneath the surface of the North Atlantic. There was a muffled, “Oogel, oogel, oogel,” for
some moments. Then it stopped. The Captain and his crew cheered loudly and
applauded the good Captain and the entire crew that helped to build Dass
Oogelmacher, eh?
Unfortunately, the globe-like structure
hit an underwater mine and caused a great explosion and a water squirt up on
the surface of the ocean. This was
picked up on the Allied ultrasound detectors and three allied boats went
steaming fast toward the German ship.
They surrounded Das Boot and everyone surrendered with a happy
face. They were all still thinking of
the Oogelmacher and its distinctive sound.
They all were happy as they were herded off Das Boot, led by a laughing
Kapitan, der Hermann Heilbrunner, hands behing his head.
I heard this story in my
childhood. My device was called a
cushmaker and it made a splash and the sound of “cush” as it hit the ocean. When I was studying in Switzerland, a Polish
Freedom Fighter who had hidden in train boxcars to excape the Nazis, was
working for Hoffman-LaRoche as a pharmaceutical representative. I can’t remember his name, but I do remember
the funny story he told in a German dialect spoken only in the capital of
Switzerland, in Bern. He slowly
unravelled the tale of the Oogelmacher and it got applause. We exchanged some other stories and about a
half were stories that we both had heard in Polish, Yiddish and some English
many years ago. I decided that the
humourous tales we hear as children are as universal as the music that requires
no language barriers to be appreciated.
Beethoven, Mendelsohnn, Ravel and Gershwin are beloved in every country
of the world without a single reservation.
These stories that I shared with an international group of listeners
were universal and were understood even if one didn’t quite understand the
languages or local dialects.
I admit that many of my stories are
these universal jokes that I have heard since my father started telling me some
jokes when I was only two years old. He
told them to me in Yiddish and his newly learned language, Canadian English. My favourite uncle, uncle Willie, from the
Ukraine, told me a thousand jokes or more in Yiddish and his well-oiled new
language, Southern Ontario English, as he taught me to drive his half ton Chevy
pick-up, with four on the floor and a choke on the dash, delivering Kosher chickens
and eggs to his customers, when I was 13 and 14 years old. If pressed I think I remember all of them.
Here is one: A nervous man goes to his
doctor and demands a complete examination because he is convinced he has a
cancer lurking in his gut. The doctor
does a full examination and cannot find a single abnormality. The patient feels his doctor is holding back
and he demands a diagnosis. The doctor
thinks a bit and says, “OK my Mr. Steinberg, I’ve decided you got a Flucky!” Mr. Steinberg is astounded and he is real
nervous as he asks his doctor, “What’s a Flucky?” The doctor looks as seriously as he can muster
and declares, “You got a Flucky that I didn’t say you got a cancer. Now, go home and be happy that you got a
Flucky!” For those of you that may not
be familiar with the Yiddish way of saying things in ironic, sarcastic circles,
this means: “You got off lucky!”
THE END
©
izzy sommers, md
Welland,
Canada
Oktoberfest,
2013
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